Category: Uncategorized

I Can Do Hard Things (And You Can Too!)

I read a thought provoking post lately. The aim was teaching your kids to tackle hard things. The author is a homeschooler, and she challenged one of her kids to persevere and accomplish a hard task in their schooling. It wasn’t fun at times (for the mom or the child), but the sense of accomplishment and the lessons learned were invaluable to the child (and mom!).

I have up’s and down’s with this new lifestyle. Put simply: it’s hard work.

I can’t find the exact article I read, this one is interesting though, but I read an article that looked at how much time we (Americans) spend in the kitchen preparing food. As one might guess, this has decreased over time landing around 1 hour per day as of 2008. Many people choose to eat out or prepare packaged, quick meals.

The thought of how much time I spend in the kitchen has been rolling around in my head. Although I haven’t timed it (and it does vary day to day), here’s what I think I spend in the kitchen. The times below are meal prep and cooking, not cleaning up.

  • Breakfast – 30-40 minutes
  • Lunch – 15-20 minutes
  • Dinner – 1.5 – 3 hours

Generally, I hit the national average by lunchtime. I only stay under 20 minutes at lunch if we are eating leftovers (which I try to do most days!), if I prepare fresh food, that easily hits 45-60 minutes. Dinner varies dramatically based on the number of veggies I need to chop and the difficulty of the meal. While I love this cookbook. Most recipes are 2+ hours to prepare.

So, it’s hard work. Eating well is not easy. It takes a commitment of time and skill on my part, training on the part of my children (they are often in the kitchen with me!), and sacrificing “me” time (I often cook through nap time.).

But I believe it is not only worth it for our health; it is also worth it for:

  1. Our budget (WAY cheaper than eating out! Especially if you factor in long-term health effects of eating out.).
  2. My kids to learn how to prepare real, good food.
  3. My family to experience a variety of food.
  4. Me to serve my family with a good attitude during my “free” time. (This is the hardest one most days)

It is hard, but it is worth it.

What hard thing are you tackling right now? I guarantee that it is worth it. Hard things usually are.

So what do we eat?

Backstory: I am on a gluten free diet because I am a Type 1 diabetic. I have learned that gluten irritates the gut and does not allow carbohydrates to absorb through the intestines causing raised blood glucose and the body to produce more insulin. Gluten also causes the body to produce antibodies that attack the beta cells in the pancreas thereby killing the pancreas and causing Type 1 diabetes. My pancreas is not dead yet (I’m in the “honeymoon” period), but I’m hoping to prolong that period as long as possible through a gluten free diet. Research I’ve read suggests a gluten free diet will halt the body from producing those antibodies and attacking itself.

This is not the easiest diet change in the world. It goes along the lines of Whole30, Paleo, Primal Diet, etc. Eat real fresh food. However, it does mean more time in the kitchen and more thought and planning, I get it. I hope to encourage you to eat healthier by seeing what my family is actually eating.

Here is a day’s menu from last week:

Breakfast: steelcut oatmeal with strawberries and green smoothie

Notes:

  • I used the “Basic Recipe” for steel-cut oats in the link above then put fresh strawberries on top.
  • I rinsed by oats before I cooked them. I don’t have official “gluten free” oats. Oats are naturally gluten free, but there is a chance for cross contamination due to harvesting equipment and processing in facilities that contain wheat.
  • Smoothie recipe (roughly!): 1 cup of water, 1 apple, 1 cup of pineapple chunks, 1 lime (to cut the bitterness of the greens) and a lot of a leafy green (kale, spinach, swiss chard)

Lunch:  Dried cherry, cheese, candied walnut salad with balsamic vinegar and oil

Dinner: Adobo Chicken over brown and white rice

Notes:

  • The recipe came from this cookbook, and it is hard to find them free online because Cook’s Illustrated/America’s Test Kitchen requires a subscription. This is hands down my favorite cookbook. Nothing has failed, and I’ve probably made 20 recipes from it. They are more involved though, so read the recipe through before starting!
  • I cut back on the adobo chilis so my boys can hand the spice. I think it calls for 3 tablespoons, and I use 1-ish.
  • The rice is 1-1 ratio of brown rice to white made in a rice cooker.

Bedtime Snack: plain yogurt with strawberries and cashews (for Emily to limit carbs), plain yogurt with honey, cashews, walnuts, strawberries, and coconut (for Dan)

I do usually have a morning and afternoon snack, but I don’t have any pictures. Some ideas for these are popcorn, veggies and dill dip, fruit, trail mix, cottage cheese, etc.

I hope this is encouraging and not discouraging. My husband and I like to cook, but our culinary skills have evolved over time. Success is changing one small thing tomorrow. Vow to make breakfast (or something) better first. Conquer that then tackle the next meal. You can do it!

 

Spirit Led

I realized more and more how much I am affected by music. I thank my mom for playing the piano while growing up and teaching me to play it too, and growing up in a church that sang hymns. Even though I no longer play (I think I could still bang out parts of Chopstiks and Fleur-de-Lis!), I have a deep appreciation for good music and good lyrics.

We sang Oceans in church yesterday. I was struck by these lyrics:

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

God’s grace abounds when I’m in over my head. When I realize I can’t do it on my own, when I’m failing on my own, He is there to step in when I finally surrender.

I am a very driven person. I have a hard time with failure or even perceived failure.

It wasn’t until I took an actuary exam that I experienced failure academically. Crazy, right? I thought I knew so much. I had majored in mathematics in college, and I graduated with a 4.0 in my major. I must know SO MUCH, right?

I barely studied for the first actuary exam. I started flipping through the 1.5 inch thick guide the week before the exam. My heart began to sink very quickly.

This was hard. Very hard.

Want to know my score on that first exam? It’s graded on a scale of 1-10.

I got a 0.

Yes, a 0. You can, in fact, score less than 1. Ha!

It is so funny to me now, and I actually appreciate that 0 so much more than my stream of A+’s in high school and college. Through my actuary exams, I learned through failure. In fact, I’m a firm believer now that you can’t learn without failing. You NEED to fail to learn. When I used to tutor for the GED exams, this was a concept I tried to drive home.

You need to get problems wrong to figure out why the correct answer is right. It won’t stick until you’ve done it wrong (possibly many times!).

You need to fail. You need to get things wrong.

I did eventually pass that first exam. It took me 4 tries. That’s probably higher than most actuaries, but I learned so much about calculus, how to teach myself, and how to problem-solve through that exam.

On to the reason for this post: I’m back on insulin. It felt like total failure at first. I had researched so much, learned so much about diet and Type 1 diabetes. I thought I had it figured out: just eliminate gluten and all will be well. Well then I learned I still needed to watch my carbs. That was minor though, things were pretty much in line once I started that.

Then my fasting blood glucose numbers started being higher (around week 4 of the gluten-free/no insulin diet). I was consistently in the 170’s when I woke up. It’s really odd because I would go to bed around 130 or 140, and my BG would rise overnight to 170. I didn’t have any snacks still working in my system (to my knowledge). So this phenomena was odd to me.

I consulted with my doctor, and we agreed to go on 1 unit of Toujeo (a long acting insulin) per day.

1

1!

1 per day!

Are you laughing at me yet???

I am. Well, now anyway.

I am a Type 1 diabetic who is only taking 1 unit of insulin per day. I don’t know what the “unit” is measuring, but it’s very very small.

The crazy thing about this 1 unit is that I will be low for lunch and dinner if I don’t have a snack 1-2 hours before those meals. Can you believe how sensitive my body is?? I’m still a little shocked.

Ok, done typing. I have more thoughts, but they can wait until another time.

Edit: I forgot to wrap around to my initial thoughts! Ha! When I am down in the dumps over my failures, physical or spiritual, that is where God meets me. In fact, I think He’s more present in my failures than when I’m sailing through life (most likely because I’m less in tune with God then). His grace abounds in deepest waters.

I desperately want the Spirit to lead my life. To take me to the edge of my capabilities, because it is only then that I have to let go of my control and let God lead.

Spirit lead me…

Gluten-Free Results: Eczema Gone!

I wish I had pictures to go along with this post. I’ve had eczema spots on my right hand for years. For most of the time, it would only pop up during the winter. I tried all kinds of creams, using gloves to wash dishes, always wearing gloves outside, etc. It never really helped, and it never went away completely.

The last year or so, the breakouts have never gone away, even in the summer. It’s been a year-round condition for 1-2 years.

I’ve read that eczema and other skin conditions can be autoimmune in nature and irritated by gluten. I wondered if my gluten-free diet would change it.

IT DID!!!

The eczema on my right hand is GONE. G-O-N-E GONE.

No way. I’m in amazement myself. It took almost 4 weeks on a gluten-free diet. I seriously can’t believe it. Water doesn’t hurt my hand anymore! The skin is soft and irritation free!

My evening numbers have been a little high lately making me wonder if I’ll need to start low doses of insulin soon. If I do, do I keep up with the gluten-free diet? I was questioning if this was all worth it. Now, I’m thinking yes! Even if I end up on insulin (which is very likely, eventually, I’m still a Type 1 diabetic!), I’d love to keep the scaly, painful rash away!

I never thought I was allergic to or even sensitive to gluten. Now I’m thinking differently…isn’t this amazing?!?!

Update: Gluten Withdrawal

Today is the first day I feel almost normal. I still felt a little sick/nauseous this morning, but I pushed through and did a workout. 

I didn’t push myself very hard during my workout, but I’m feeling really good this morning. My BG were good too. Yay!

So for the record, it took me 6 days to return to normal after symptoms started. It is odd that the symptoms took four days to hit… maybe not. Maybe it’s a delayed response. 

I’m glad I feel better because today and tomorrow are garage sale days! Woot! Hoping to unload some stuff!

Gluten-Free – The First 24 Hours

I have very hopeful results to share on my gluten-free diet! I’ve only been gluten-free for about 24 hours, but I’m already seeing interesting, promising results.

Let’s talk numbers! This may only interest me, but I’m finding my results absolutely fascinating.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I tested my blood glucose (BG) at my brother’s house with a result of 522.

Friday, April 7, 2017

I have all my supplies (insulin, glucometer, plan for how to administer insulin based on BG prior to each meal). For the following week, my BG numbers looked like the following.

Breakfast Lunch Dinner Notes
Pre- Meal BG Carbs Insulin Pre-Meal BG Carbs Insulin Pre-Meal BG Carbs Insulin Bedtime BG
Saturday 162 ? 3 280 ? 5 152 ? 3 311
Sunday 236 ? 4 114 ? 2 204 ? 4 235 Low @ 9pm
Monday 209 ? 4 95 ? 0 142 ? 2 211 Low @ 8pm
Tuesday 219 ? 4 270 ? 5 120 ? 2 327

You may not notice a theme, but the BG are too high (<150 is goal). There is also a disconnect with the BG before the meal and what I intend to eat at the current meal. With this plan, I was dosing my insulin only based on my BG at the beginning of the meal. This is protocol so as to not overwhelm the patient who is new to diabetes.

This is not my first rodeo, folks. So I pressured my doctor to add carb counting to my management on Thursday, April 13, 2017. They were still hesitant, not wanting to overwhelm me, but I won (or really we won, Dan and I). We left that appointment with my first carb/insulin ratio to hopefully adjust at each meal for the current BG and the carbs I’m about to eat.

Side note: I’m not sure my endocrine office knows what to do with Dan and I. I think we’re a bit intense for them. 🙂

Here are my results after the 4/13/17 meeting:

Breakfast Lunch Dinner Notes
Pre- Meal BG Carbs Insulin Pre-Meal BG Carbs Insulin Pre-Meal BG Carbs Insulin Bedtime BG
Friday 182 ? 2 148 148 4 182 74 3 119
Saturday 194 15 1 122 61 2 104 38 1 208
Sunday 148 33 1 131 37 1 128 114 4 136
Monday 174 22 1 93 73 2 154 38 1 155 Started working out

Overall, you’ll notice the BG numbers are way lower, mostly <150. Woot! Progress! Carb counting is obviously working, and the doctors are pleased. I continue on this course until I find the article I mentioned in my last post.

I started eating gluten-free at lunch on Tuesday, April 25, 2017. Here are my results so far:

Breakfast Lunch Dinner Notes
Pre- Meal BG Carbs Insulin Pre-Meal BG Carbs Insulin Pre-Meal BG Carbs Insulin Bedtime BG
Tuesday 123 30 0 128 30 1 97 30 0 141 AM workout
Wednesday 140 27 0 89 60 0 117 20 0 86 AM workout, 3 lows during the day
Thursday 149 27 0

So these are still higher than your average non-diabetic person, but what the what?!? To be clear, the above lunch and dinner on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday were all gluten-free.

I also take a long acting insulin that’s not recorded in the charts above. I had 3 low episodes yesterday so I think my need for that insulin is decreasing. I usually take 7 units, and today I took 5 units.

I don’t know if this is a fluke or if my insulin will continue to decline. It’s exciting though!

Gluten

I have always believed these gluten free diets that abound today are a bunch of hooey. It really goes deep into my worldview. I believe God created the whole world for us. I believe it provides good food in season when we need it. I believe wheat is good for us.

However…

I believe in moderation. I believe in eating whole foods (so if you buy it in a box or bag at the grocery store, it is most likely not good for you).

Thanks to a good friend watching out for me, I came across this article this week:  Remission without insulin therapy on gluten-free diet in a 6-year old boy with type 1 diabetes mellitus.

What the what?!?! A gluten-free diet caused this boy’s body to stop attacking it’s beta cells. Seriously?!?! He was able to halt the killing of his pancreas by changing his diet.

A little back story: Dan and I like to watch documentaries, particularly ones on food/diet/health. We strong believe in the power of good food on the body. One of the documentaries did a study on curing cancer through diet. In summary, they were able to halt the production of cancer cells within the body by changing the patient’s diet. I was very compelled by this study, and I told Dan, “If I’m ever diagnosed with cancer, I’m finding this doctor and signing up for this treatment. Why would I not want to change my diet to save my life?”

So here I am today, with a life-threatening (if not managed through medicine or some form) disease that has the potential to be treated through diet.

How can I not try it?

Gluten-free…here I come!

Circling back to God’s goodness providing food on this earth, I am questioning parts of my worldview. Here’s where I’m at now:

  1. Sin in our fallen world – This takes several forms one possibly being that NOT all food is good for us. I don’t know this for sure, just a guess. The biggest agrument in my mind is that every culture has a basic grain that provides the basis of their diet. How did ours turn against us? This leads me into my next point…
  2. Sin nature in humans – We are greedy, self-centered people and our corporations are run by human with these tendencies. We farm for profit, and we do all we can to ensure profit: GMO’s, pesticides, unnatural crop rotation, highly processed food, unnatural by-products in our foods (high fructose corn syrup!!!), etc.

I know I’m out there in my views on food. I believe it was all created good, but we messed that up. I’d love to hear your side if you disagree.

Self-Discipline

Backstory

I used to be very disciplined when I was in middle and high school.

  • I got up at 6:00 am every morning to make sure I had plenty of time to get ready for school. My school was literally across the street, like a 20 second walk. Ha!
  • I read my Bible daily. I had a Daily Bread kind of a devotional for teens. I saw my parents faithfully reading the Bible, so I did too.
  • I played sports: gymnastics in middle school then volleyball in the fall and cheerleading in the winter in high school.
  • I worked out every day except Sunday.
  • I took leadership opportunities when I could: translating a school handbook from Spanish to English, “leading” my sports teams (in quotes because looking back I was such a know-it-all, take charge kind of person, this was probably not my finest moments).
  • Taking a very full course load my senior year of high school. I, and 4 other students, even elected to take Physics after school because that was the only time the teacher could teach the class. Yes, disciplined and crazy I was.

This discipline even bled into college but that’s when things started to slide downhill. The last few years, I’ve had spurts of discipline. I have good intentions to set goals and accomplish things, but they all fall to the wayside eventually.

The last 2-3 years I’ve had lofty aspirations at the beginning of the year. I tentatively set some goals for the year but never really follow through. I knew I could be doing more as a wife/mom/friend, but those ideals only lasted until February, if then.

Now: 2017

In January, I had the same burn in my soul to accomplish much, to do great things. So I decide to challenge my small group at Bloom (a mother of young children program at my church, I lead one of the small groups). What are they going to accomplish? How can we change how we manage our households? How can we hold each other accountable and encourage each other?

Really, my encouragement was all for my own benefit!

  • I needed accountability.
  • needed encouragement to stay the course.
  • I needed someone else to be determined with me!

The two areas I identified for myself were budgeting and household cleaning.

I love to budget. I love to manipulate numbers. In my former life before kids, I was an actuarial analyst for an insurance company. I like numbers.

However, my impressively complex spreadsheet budget was super time consuming to actually use. I’d have the best intentions to do it once a week or even every two weeks, but I would fall behind and then delay even longer because I knew how long it would take to catch up 1 or 2 months of receipts.

I decided to give You Need A Budget (youneedabudget.com) a try. I had tried about 8 months prior but never took the time to really understand how the software worked, so I gave up quickly. This time I persisted. I took their live webinars. I learned how the software worked. I changed my view of how to manage our money. Guess what? We’ve made HUGE gains in our financial stability in the last four months! I (we) was quite lax in sticking exactly to our budget. We’d over spend a little here, a little there but never really adding things up because I was only doing our budget every 1 or 2 months. Recipe for disaster.

As far as taking care of and cleaning my house, I was constantly overwhelmed because it felt like all of the house needed to be cleaned all. the. time. The thought of cleaning overwhelmed me because I just couldn’t tackle the whole house all the time.

Enter Pinterest. There are a million household cleaning schedules on Pinterest. I did a bunch of research as to what would work for me and here’s what I ended up with: I use Google Keep and a series of lists to keep myself organized. I have one list for daily tasks that I just un-check all the items at the beginning of the day and try to hit everything on the list each day. Then I have six other lists (Monday-Saturday) with specific cleaning chores so that by the end of the week all of the major cleaning tasks have been done. I have stuck with this plan, with a few bumps in the road due to sickness, since January.

Ok, whew, that was my intro! It turned out so much longer than I thought it would!

All that to say, this diabetes diagnosis would have been so much harder if I hadn’t been working on my self-discipline since January of this year.

  1. Financially – We aren’t a wealthy family. We make a very average income. However, we are on top of our budget, since January. With the diabetes diagnosis, we will now have an additional $100-$200 expenses every month. If you are a budgeter, giving each penny a task, then you will know this is a huge expense. I actually don’t know how we are going to cover it yet. God is faithful. He will provide. Of that, I have no doubt.
  2. House Upkeep – The house isn’t a disaster after doing zero cleaning for over a week! Prior to January, my house would have totally fallen apart, been disgustingly dirty, after a week because it wasn’t just one week from cleaning the toilets, it was actually 3, 4, or 5 because I had put it off for so long!
  3. Spiritually – In the past few years, God has changed me tremendously. He has exposed my pride, anger, and lying. He has shown me His grace as He forgives and changes these patterns in my life. Diabetes has been overwhelming these last few weeks. My brain is constantly churning and thinking. If God hadn’t been working on my anger and general self-centeredness, I’d be losing it so much more often than I am now. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’m so much more patient and gentle than I was in the past. I would have a much harder time adjusting if I wasn’t continuing to ask God to change me to be like Him.

In addition to these major areas, I’m learning to be more disciplined new areas that are kind of funny but needed for the long haul:

  1. Checking my feet everu night for bruises, cuts, and callouses. I moisturize them every night before bed now to keep the dryness at bay.
  2. Staying on top of medical bills, paying them on time, keeping my files organized for future audits/tax purposes.
  3. Keeping up on the clutter: insulin and it’s supplies, glucose meter and it’s supplies, sharps disposal, etc. I need work on this, but I’m trying not to let the diabetes paraphernalia take over our house (or the great number of boxes and packaging material they come with!).

This is where I’m at for today. I’m so thankful God put these things on my heart (even though they’ve taken years for me to even tackle somewhat successfully!) and that I was working on them prior to April 1, 2017.

Being a Type 1 Diabetic Mom

I think the hardest part to manage with my diabetes diagnosis is the juggling of my needs with my children. My kids are not always needy, but wouldn’t you know, they NEED something the minute my blood sugar is dropping and I need to care for myself.

I’m all about kids learning patience, waiting their turn, and compassion/empathy for others. But folks, I’m in the thick of it. This is what I’m working on with my kids every day. I was working on this every day before the diagnosis. The diagnosis has exacerbated the need, but also make the lesson that much more difficult for me to teach. I might be feeling fine OR low/shaky, high/irritable, screaming headache…all really difficult times for me to quietly explain how we should react/how we should act like Jesus to others.

One night, I was getting the boys ready for bed. We were in the final 10 minutes. You know that time: heading up the stairs to brush teeth, potty/change diaper, pajamas on, pray, and go to sleep. This is the last push of parenting for the day. It is a critical time for me to remain calm, show Jesus’ love and compassion to their crazy energetic bodies and get them those final steps into bed. Then…my chest starts to tremor. (I feel the shakes in my core first, like the organs inside my rib cage are shaking.) Then my legs and arms (as I’m climbing the stairs with my wild monkeys). As we are brushing our teeth I realize I probably shouldn’t push through. I probably need to stop and take care of myself because I don’t know for sure how long bedtime will take (one monkey likes to take 20 minute poops sometimes!) and I don’t know how quickly my blood sugar will drop.

Therein lies my dilemma, I’m almost to the finish line for the day. Just a couple more minutes and the kiddos are in bed. BUT, I need to stop, test my glucose level, drink juice, set a timer (I WILL forget to test again!), then return to bedtime.

If I stop bedtime, you know what my kids will do, right? Yep, wild, crazy monkeys. They will inevitable be naked in the basement in no time at all, and I will have to start all over again.

Responsibility to care for myself and teach my kids to be patient wins, I go downstairs to care for my blood sugar then return to bedtime.

It didn’t even turn out that bad. My oldest waited patiently on the potty, and my youngest was only a touch crazy, running around half naked.

Bedtime continued. They were in bed only a few minutes late.

This whole diagnosis has been challenging not only my kid’s patience as they sit at the lunch table staring at their food but waiting for mommy to eat, but to my patience as I need to pause regular activities to care for myself. I’m not sure which is harder. Both are challenging. God is giving me more ways to grow to be more like Jesus. Right now, that looks like more patience in mommy and more patience in the wild, crazy monkeys. Truthfully, who couldn’t use a little more patience?

Processing

I’m still trying to accept the Type 1 diabetes diagnosis. I realize this isn’t a death sentence. This is a completely livable condition. It likely won’t kill me, unless I fail to manage it.

Therein lies the burden: management.

I am still in the adjustment phase. I’m not carb counting (yet seeing the need for it with each passing meal!) rather I’m administering insulin based on the level of my blood sugar. It’s a retro adjustment rather than a forward-looking adjustment. If I am high at the beginning of a meal (due to what I ate at the last meal) then I take more insulin regardless of what I plan to eat at the current meal. I totally see why diabetics count carbs, and I’m actually looking forward to it. Weird-o.

Back to management: it’s exhausting. I have two young boys who command a lot of my attention, and when they aren’t, I’m “managing.” I’m testing my glucose level, administering insulin, cooking a meal, answering the phone (talking to doctors, pharmacists, SO MANY diabetic support programs, etc.), talking to the health insurance company AGAIN, etc. etc. It’s exhausting. My introverted self has not had a moment to think. Until right now, really, as I type this. Super dad took the boys out golfing, and I am typing away. Processing, if you will.

I have some thoughts to get out. Here it is in all it’s selfish glory: I feel like I’ve already suffered enough, medically speaking. This diagnosis doesn’t seem fair.

I feel guilty even typing that. I know it’s wrong. God made my body exactly as He intended. Psalm 139 says

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

This passage was especially comforting to me after I went through my AVM surgery. God put my AVM in my brain. He did it on purpose. It didn’t surprise Him. It was enormously comforting to know that my AVM was a part of His plan, His purpose, for me.

It was easier to accept His plan for me with a one time surgery that turned out so positively. It is a lot harder to accept a lifetime diagnosis that requires constant care and attention.

And yet, I know my God is faithful and true. He would not let anything happen to me outside of His plan. His plan was for my pancreas to stop working  normally around April 1, 2017.

The week before the diagnosis, I was studying John 18 and 19 in my BSF Bible study. This is the trial and torture of Jesus before His crucifixion. Pilate’s indecision was a decision against Jesus. Even when Pilate saw that Jesus was not guilty of the crimes the Jewish leaders accused him of, Pilate did not stand up for truth. I left BSF that day with the question “Is Jesus my Savior and my King?” stuck in my head. I wrote it at the top of my notes. Is it true? Is Jesus Lord of everything? All areas of my life?

Later that day, I wrote this down

Is Jesus my Savior and King? Is He really Lord of my life? Am I acting on the truth given to me? I sure pray it is so. Lord, use me; change me, don’t let me be stagnant. Make me more like you.

I wrote this on Wednesday, March 29, 2017, three days before I started having symptoms of Type 1 diabetes. I believe God’s purpose with the diagnosis is to change me, to use me, to make me more like Him. I refuse to let this opportunity to go to waste. I want it to be used for God’s glory. Anything less and I will be striving for nothing.

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