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Processing

I’m still trying to accept the Type 1 diabetes diagnosis. I realize this isn’t a death sentence. This is a completely livable condition. It likely won’t kill me, unless I fail to manage it.

Therein lies the burden: management.

I am still in the adjustment phase. I’m not carb counting (yet seeing the need for it with each passing meal!) rather I’m administering insulin based on the level of my blood sugar. It’s a retro adjustment rather than a forward-looking adjustment. If I am high at the beginning of a meal (due to what I ate at the last meal) then I take more insulin regardless of what I plan to eat at the current meal. I totally see why diabetics count carbs, and I’m actually looking forward to it. Weird-o.

Back to management: it’s exhausting. I have two young boys who command a lot of my attention, and when they aren’t, I’m “managing.” I’m testing my glucose level, administering insulin, cooking a meal, answering the phone (talking to doctors, pharmacists, SO MANY diabetic support programs, etc.), talking to the health insurance company AGAIN, etc. etc. It’s exhausting. My introverted self has not had a moment to think. Until right now, really, as I type this. Super dad took the boys out golfing, and I am typing away. Processing, if you will.

I have some thoughts to get out. Here it is in all it’s selfish glory: I feel like I’ve already suffered enough, medically speaking. This diagnosis doesn’t seem fair.

I feel guilty even typing that. I know it’s wrong. God made my body exactly as He intended. Psalm 139 says

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

This passage was especially comforting to me after I went through my AVM surgery. God put my AVM in my brain. He did it on purpose. It didn’t surprise Him. It was enormously comforting to know that my AVM was a part of His plan, His purpose, for me.

It was easier to accept His plan for me with a one time surgery that turned out so positively. It is a lot harder to accept a lifetime diagnosis that requires constant care and attention.

And yet, I know my God is faithful and true. He would not let anything happen to me outside of His plan. His plan was for my pancreas to stop working  normally around April 1, 2017.

The week before the diagnosis, I was studying John 18 and 19 in my BSF Bible study. This is the trial and torture of Jesus before His crucifixion. Pilate’s indecision was a decision against Jesus. Even when Pilate saw that Jesus was not guilty of the crimes the Jewish leaders accused him of, Pilate did not stand up for truth. I left BSF that day with the question “Is Jesus my Savior and my King?” stuck in my head. I wrote it at the top of my notes. Is it true? Is Jesus Lord of everything? All areas of my life?

Later that day, I wrote this down

Is Jesus my Savior and King? Is He really Lord of my life? Am I acting on the truth given to me? I sure pray it is so. Lord, use me; change me, don’t let me be stagnant. Make me more like you.

I wrote this on Wednesday, March 29, 2017, three days before I started having symptoms of Type 1 diabetes. I believe God’s purpose with the diagnosis is to change me, to use me, to make me more like Him. I refuse to let this opportunity to go to waste. I want it to be used for God’s glory. Anything less and I will be striving for nothing.

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